We, the deacons of All About Me Church, upon receiving from the congregation a list of complaints about our church, have listed the top ten criticisms and have decided upon the following solutions for these complaints:
1. “I want more depth in the sermons”: For all sermons, from now on, we will read from the Hebrew and Greek manuscripts, therefore everyone in the congregation will be required to take Hebrew and Greek classes. Since these languages require constant study and usage, each member will be required to take these classes until they die.
2. “Nobody noticed when I was gone for three weeks”: From now on, each member of the congregation will be required to have placed on their ankle a tracking device so that we will know where they are at all times, including when they are at the lake, at the golf course, hunting, fishing, shopping, sleeping, etc. Also, when absent from church because of "sickness", each member will be required to bring a doctor’s note stating that the member was actually sick and had an excuse for being out of church. The church will also start using a phone tree system to give everyone a wake-up call on Sunday mornings so that they can get to church on time.
3. “Nobody cares about how I feel”: From now on, we will have a psychiatrist/psychologist/Christian counselor (the member will choose) available on Sunday mornings to help each member understand more about their feelings that no one cares about them. In addition, each member will be required to start caring for others in the congregation.
4. “I don’t know everybody anymore”: From now on, each member of the congregation will be required to memorize the names and faces of each member of the congregation, including each new member that joins hereafter. Also, each member will be required to wear a photo i.d. for identification purposes.
5. “The choir doesn’t sing my kind of music”: From now on, there will be no more choir or congregational singing but each seat in the sanctuary will be equipped with an IPOD and headphones to listen to your favorite type of Christian music during the worship service.
6. “We shouldn’t let those kinds of people into the church”: Beginning next week, each member will be required to have an “extreme makeover” so that everyone will look the same. Said makeover costs will be the responsibility of each member.
7. “All the church talks about is for me to give more money”: Beginning immediately, there will be no more offerings taken up during the worship services and each member will be required to tithe ten percent of their income by enrolling in a payroll deduction plan from their place of employment or enrolling in an automatic draft of their tithe from their bank account or credit/debit card. This way we will not have to ask for money again.
8. “The preacher talks too much about sacrifice”: Beginning next week, each member of the congregation will be required to play on a church softball team and advance at least one runner per game to another base by a sacrifice bunt or a sacrifice fly so that each person can say they sacrificed something during the week.
9. “The worship services are boring”: Beginning next Sunday, the baptismal pool will have a wave machine installed to make the baptisms more fun. Also, Barnum and Bailey Circus will provide us with clowns to perform during the welcome time and the Harlem Globetrotters will provide us with a demonstration of their basketball skills during the invitation.
10. “The church is not going in the right direction”: Beginning next Sunday, we will no longer have a pastor to preach and lead the church but instead each member of the congregation will be required to go before the church and “share” their feelings about which direction the church ought to be going. This should work out extremely well because so many in the congregation seem to know which direction we ought to be going because they have suddenly become experts in the field of church growth and church vision.
